‘Gaslighting’ is a form of family violence in which a person, to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of perpetrators of family violence, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. It is family violence that involves social abuse, emotional and psychological abuse.
The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from Patrick Hamilton's play Gas Light (1938) and the subsequent movies, Gaslight (1940) and Ingrid Bergman’s Gaslight (1944) remake. The story is about a man who manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind. The predatory partner who, among other things, causes the gas lights in their house to dim when he is not there, and then when she comments on it, he tells her she’s irrational and it’s her imagination.
Gaslighting can create a subtle, but inequitable, power dynamic in a relationship, with the victim subjected to the gaslighter’s manipulation, judgments, or micro-aggressions. At its worst, pathological gaslighting constitutes a severe form of psychological abuse.
People who gaslight typically use some or all the following techniques:
They tell lies and exaggerate.
They tell outright lies. Yet they are telling the lie with a straight face and very convincingly. It keeps their victim unsteady. Putting doubts in the victim’s mind is the goal.
They deny they ever did or said something.
The victim knows the perpetrator said or did something; the victim knows because the seen or heard it. But the perpetrator out and out denies it. It makes the victim start questioning reality, maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more the victim question their reality and start accepting the narrative of the perpetrator. When called on their lies, the gaslighter escalates the dispute by doubling and tripling down on their attacks, refuting substantive evidence with denial, blame, and more false claims (misdirection), sowing doubt and confusion.
They use what is near and dear as ammunition.
They know how important the children are and how important identity as a parent is. They tell the other parent that they should not have had those children. They will tell their victim that they would have been a worthy person if only they didn't have a long list of negative traits.
They wear down the victim with repetition
The lies are repeated constantly to stay on the offensive, control the conversation, and dominate the relationship. By staying on the offensive, the gaslighter eventually wears down their victim, who becomes discouraged, pessimistic, fearful and self-doubting. The victim begins to question their own perceptions, identity, and reality. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting, it is that effective. It's the "boiling the frog" analogy; the heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening.
They throw in positive comments to confuse.
In a gaslighting relationship, the gaslighter elicits constant insecurity and anxiety in the victim, pulling the victim by the strings. This person that is cutting the victim down, telling them that they don't have any value, then praising the victim for something they did. What the victim was praised for is probably something that served the gaslighter. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. The gaslighter has the power to grant acceptance, approval, respect, safety, and security. The gaslighter also has the power (and threatens to) take that away. The relationship is based on fear, vulnerability, and marginalization.
They know confusion weakens their victim.
Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normality. Their goal is to uproot this and make the victim constantly question everything. It’s a person’s natural tendency to look to the person that will help them feel more stable and that happens to be the gaslighter.
They project.
They will accuse their victim of lying. If they are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing their victim of that, or whatever their vice is. This is done so often that the victim spends a lot of time trying to defend themselves and are distracted from the gaslighter's own behaviour.
They isolate their victim.
Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what and they use these people against the victim. They will make comments such as, "This person knows that you're not right," or "This person knows you're useless too." A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic, it makes the victim feel like you don't know who to trust or turn to. Isolation of their victim gives them more control.
They tell you or others that you are mentally ill.
This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter because it's dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control.
Dominate and control.
By maintaining and intensifying a continual stream of lies, doubts and coercion, the gaslighter keeps the victim in a constant state of insecurity, uncertainty, and fear. They can then exploit their victims at will, for the increase of their ego and personal gain.
‘You are the architect of your own reality. If you’re looking at the beams and walls and telling yourself, “Wait, I know this just isn’t true,” then the gaslight might be on.’ - Robin Stern, PhD
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