Breaking The Anger Cycle

Steven Stosny says, all humans are born with Core Values, which is the knowledge that they are worthwhile, lovable members of the human race and are entitled to love and respect.

When we are in touch with our Core Values we have thoughts and make choices that are based on Compassion and Maturity.

However, as we grow up we are told things that go against our knowledge of our Core Values. We receive messages that we are Guilty, Rejected, Worthless, Incompetent, Powerless and most damaging Unlovable. These messages are our Core Hurts and they disconnect us from our Core Values.

When we are disconnected from our Core Values we have thoughts and make decisions based on Shame and Anger.

As we live our lives as adults we may be reminded of our Core Hurts e.g. someone snubs us and it triggers a feeling of rejection. This triggers the Anger Cycle where we temporarily soothe the pain of the Core Hurt with the feeling of Anger.

Unfortunately, when we hurt or punish another person, we are further alienating ourselves from our Core Values and reinforcing our Core Hurt perception that we are an unlovable person, guilty of hurting others, and powerless to live without the use of threats.

The way out of this cycle is to reconnect to our own Core Values via Self Compassion. We can then soothe the Core Hurt which is the real problem within ourselves and make decisions based on compassion for ourselves and others that we care about.

Statement of Core Values;

1. I am worthy of respect, value, and compassion, whether or not I get it from others.
2. If I don’t get it from others, it is necessary to feel more worthy, not less.
3. It is necessary to affirm my own deep value as a unique person.
4. I respect and value myself.
5. I have compassion for my hurt.
6. I have compassion for the hurt of others.
7. I trust myself to act in my best interest and the best interest of loved ones.

It is helpful to recite this and other self-affirming statements to ourselves often to reinforce our Core Value and help us not to spin off in the Anger Cycle.

Being well connected to our Core Values can stop the barb from penetrating the skin because they know that the message contained in the barb is not accurate. Just how thick our skin on any given day may vary.

Tammy Lenski in her book The Conflict Pivot similarly describes conflict hooks that are insults to our identity that people become snagged on and trigger conflicts, they typically fall into one or more of these six categories:

1. Competency; the need to be recognised as capable, intelligent and skilled.
2. Autonomy; the need for independence and boundaries respected.
3. Fellowship; the need to be included, part of a team, cooperative and worthy.
4. Status; the need to have reputation respected, power, and material worth acknowledged.
5. Reliability; the need to be seen as trustworthy and dependable.
6. Integrity; the need for others to respect our dignity, honour and good character.

Understanding these insults to identity or core hurts enables us to understand the underlying reason for a reaction we may have. Knowing that it is the other person’s story, not yours, enables you to not get deeply hooked into the other person's barbs thrown at you.