Games People Play

Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, by Eric Berne is a groundbreaking work that delves into the intricate dynamics of human interactions through the lens of transactional analysis. First published in 1964, 5 million copies sold in at least a dozen different editions, the book introduces the concept of social games, which are repetitive and predictable patterns of behaviour that people engage in to fulfill psychological needs. These games are often played unconsciously and can have significant implications for relationships, particularly in the context of separated parents.

So, here’s the basic idea.
At any given time, you can be operating as an adult, a parent, or a child. When you’re operating as an adult, that means you think and determine things in the now, external and internal factors, all that. You’re putting things together and contextualizing. This is good.

When you’re operating as a parent, you’re essentially acting or using behaviours that your parents gave you (or some parental figure gave you). Your “parent” is basically the external factors of your childhood writ large. There’s a lot of stuff here like “always” and “never” and “these are the rules.” (Point being: you can run from your childhood as much as you want, but it’ll always be somewhere nearby.)

When you’re operating as a child, you’re expressing feelings and thoughts from when you literally were a child. So, if someone criticizes you at work, you get petulant instead of understanding it in the bigger picture of things (as an adult would).

One of the key concepts in Berne's work is the idea of "transactions," which are the fundamental units of social interaction. Berne explains that transactions can be complementary, crossed, or ulterior. Complementary transactions occur when the communication is straightforward, and the response is as expected. Crossed transactions happen when the response is unexpected, leading to a breakdown in communication. Ulterior transactions involve hidden messages and are the basis for the games people play.
In the context of separated parents, several games described by Berne are particularly relevant.

Games Separated Couples Play

 "If It Weren't For You," where one parent blames the other for their own failures or unhappiness. This game allows the blaming parent to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions and to maintain a sense of victimhood. For example, a divorced parent might say, "If it weren't for you, I could have pursued my career," thereby shifting the blame for their unfulfilled ambitions onto their ex-spouse.

"See What You Made Me Do." In this game, one parent provokes the other into a reaction and then blames them for the consequences. This game serves to justify the provoking parent's behaviour and to maintain a sense of control over the situation. For instance, a parent might deliberately push their ex-spouse's buttons until they react angrily and then use that reaction as evidence of the ex-spouse's instability or unreasonableness.

"Now I've Got You, You Son of a Bitch" is another game that can be seen in the interactions between divorced parents. In this game, one parent waits for the other to make a mistake and then pounces on them with criticism or punishment. This game allows the attacking parent to feel superior and to assert their dominance in the relationship. For example, a parent might meticulously document every minor infraction of a parenting order and then use that documentation to take legal action against their ex-spouse.

Berne's work emphasizes the importance of awareness and understanding of these games in order to break free from destructive patterns of behaviour. He suggests that by recognizing the games we play and the roles we assume, we can achieve more authentic and fulfilling relationships. For separated parents, this means acknowledging the ways in which they may be using their interactions with their ex-spouse to fulfill psychological needs and finding healthier ways to meet those needs.

Effective Strategies 

One effective strategy for separated parents is to establish clear boundaries and expectations for communication and co-parenting. This can help to reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings and conflicts, and to create a more stable and supportive environment for the children.

“Games People Play" provides valuable insights into the unconscious motivations behind the interactions of separated parents. By understanding the games they play and the roles they assume, separated parents can take steps towards healthier and more authentic relationships. This not only benefits the parents themselves but also has a positive impact on their children, who are better able to thrive in a stable and supportive environment.

Berne's work remains a classic in the field of psychology and continues to be relevant for anyone interested in understanding the intricacies of human behaviour. The book is still in print and can be bought online for less than $20.