Sex with the Ex.

Have you ever facilitated a mediation where emotions are raw, they are both now single and wondered if they are still having sex? It's probably more common than you think.

A poll conducted by US-based Research Now surveyed 1,021 separated and divorced people between the ages of 18 and 49. They found that 27% admitted to sleeping with their former partner after their divorce or separation. 

In a separate study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, researchers found that of 137 previously married research participants, 20% had sex with their former partner after their divorce. Another survey conducted by a dating website has suggested that it might be as much as 45%. Either way, there is a significant proportion of separated couples continuing a sexual relationship.

Many couples who’ve split up avoid the whole prospect of being out in the cold by continuing to have a sexual relationship even though the relationship is over. It’s a way of remaining in a safe and secure sexual environment that is familiar and delaying the inevitable plunge into the unknown single life.

However, psychologists are quick to point out that “it isn’t over ’till it’s over.” While sex with your former partner can provide a wonderful release, former partners need to let go of the sexual relationship to fully heal, grow, and move on with a new life. It won’t occur until you or your former partner can decide to keep themselves out of the other’s bed.

The Mount Everest Theory

You have it “because it's there” and you worry that you might never have sex with anybody else ever again. This is for the practical couple who are used to an energetic sex life despite having a second-rate relationship. It's available. It's easy. It's predictable. It's there. Like pizza – even when it's bad, it's still good. This seems harmless, but if it goes on you will remain stuck in emotional limbo and it won't be good for either of you. Having sex with your former partner is not the same as Friends With Benefits (FWB). The FWB relationship doesn’t have the same level of emotional involvement.

It’s Not called Closure

Having sex with your former partner will not bring closure, it will bring torture. Sex with your former partner whilst in the pain of processing your separation will open a can of worms. Both parties rarely ever feel anything for each other, so sex rarely leads to closure. Significant amounts of research have been dedicated to how people blur sex with intimacy and use sex to get closer to people, so why think that sex can lead to a cutting of ties?

Delaying the Pain

By continuing the sexual relationship, it delays the inevitable and important process of grieving and healing by artificially creating a connection or hope. Maybe one party discovered that they no longer felt anything but rarely will have sex, high-five each other, and then declare that they are over each other.

Pity sex, because you feel sorry for them, is not going to help in the long term either, not for you and certainly not for your former partner. It’s a short-term emotion avoidance tactic. If you are self-respecting and honouring yourself over and above the short-term satisfaction, then move on, and allow your former partner to move on too. 

It Can be Psychologically Damaging

Separation brings up sad and awful feelings and sometimes sex is a way to break the loneliness and maintain closeness with someone. Because you are familiar with each other, the sex can feel more passionate, but it’s born out of a neediness rather than a genuine commitment between two people to stay together. By sleeping with a former partner, it “resets” the roller-coaster of pain to another time.

Sometimes couples will ‘use’ each other whilst they are breaking up. In many separations and divorces children, property, money, betrayals and other issues are involved. It can be very complex. Sometimes a former partner may use sex as a way of manipulating or keeping control, or as transactional sex - to get you to agree to something you wouldn’t otherwise agree to or to stop their former partner from seeing other people. This prolongs the inevitable pain because when the person using sex as a manipulation achieves the outcome they want or meets someone new, the sexual relationship will often end, and the pain will be even greater.

The Impact on Family Mediation

Sex with the Ex is something that is never or rarely raised or explored in FDR intake/assessment. Continuing a sexual relationship after separation can create emotional entanglements that complicate mediation. Parties may struggle to make clear-headed decisions about parenting arrangements, property division, or other issues due to unresolved feelings or mixed signals.

Power Imbalances

If one party uses sex as a means of manipulation or control, it can create power imbalances. This could undermine the fairness of mediation, as one party may feel coerced or unable to advocate for their interests effectively.

As Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners (FDRPs), it is crucial to be mindful of the potential for this dynamic to arise. It often operates under an unspoken "Don't ask, don't tell" approach, which can complicate the resolution process and hinder open, constructive dialogue.