For many couples, moving in together is a major step that transitions them from a dating relationship to a long-term partnership. However, a small but growing minority of long-term couples in countries like Australia, the U.S.A., the UK, Norway, Sweden, and Canada are forgoing living together entirely, preferring to keep their separate homes. This is referred to as Living Apart Together (LAT).
LAT?
In Scandinavian countries, such as Sweden and Norway this type of relationship has long been socially recognised and accepted as a distinct type of couples’ relationship. According to Statistics Canada, approximately 8% of the population aged 20 and over were in a LAT relationship in 2011. It’s not a big percentage, but it is growing, in the 60-plus category, it jumped from 1.8 per cent to 2.3 per cent between 2001 and 2011. Nearly 10% of all couples in the UK are in LAT relationships.
In Australia, national surveys indicate that between 7% and 9% of the adult population are in a LAT relationship. The LAT relationship is a “new family form” that did exist in the past, but in recent times has become significantly more common and visible in Australian society. Research by the Australian Institute of Family Studies shows the frequency of contact between LAT couples is high, with around 75% of LAT couples spending time together at least three times a week, and for many it’s daily.
Why?
Living with a romantic partner can be an enchanting and satisfying experience. However, there may be some meaningful benefits to having a LAT relationship if your relationship has soured.
In the beginning, traditional couples tend to engage in lots of novel and exciting activities together, what is called self-expanding activities. They dress up for nights out, they try each other’s hobbies, and they have engaging and meaningful discussions with each other. As time goes on, it can be easy for long-term couples to fall into a rut, and they stop doing fun new things together, leading to unhappiness with the relationship.
LAT couples may have found a way to stop their relationships from becoming uninteresting and/or able to refresh their existing relationship. Because LAT couples have less time to spend together, they must plan or schedule their time. LAT relationships may encourage couples to put more effort into their time together, leading to more stimulating, self-expanding activities that increase relationship satisfaction.
Pros and Cons
There is little to no research on how LAT relationships specifically relate to relationship satisfaction. However, there is research on the well-known long-distance relationships. Long-distance couples, who also have only limited time to spend with each other, tend to experience more passion in their relationships than couples in geographically close relationships. They idealise their partners more and see their partners in romantically positive terms. They also spend more time daydreaming about their relationships and report feeling more romantic love for their partners. These effects are more pronounced the less face-to-face time the couple spends together. It seems that it’s true that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Therefore, LAT relationships may be one way to gain some of these same advantages.
It may be counterintuitive that living apart from a romantic partner can have relationship benefits. But none of this is meant to deny the potential benefits of living together that can be extremely satisfying.
Many advantages of LAT relationships are understandable. People in a LAT relationship can have a strong sense of independence while also enjoying the benefits of intimacy. They can bring more romance, passion and novelty to the relationship when they come together after time spent apart.
For LAT couples, they can experience less conflict in their relationship because they're able to go home and cool off when they're feeling annoyed or frustrated with their partner. It enables them to retreat to their separate homes with no one feeling abandoned or rejected.
Not being together every day can make the partners value each other more and be more grateful for the time they have together. They're less likely to take each other for granted and they're more likely to expend the effort to make each moment together count.
Sometimes, when a couple moves in together and they aren't compatible, living together makes them believe that they're closer than they are. They've invested emotionally and financially in sharing a home together, so it's that much harder to imagine separating. A couple like this might remain together for longer than they should, enduring a relationship that should have ended a long time ago. When a couple have changed to a LAT relationship there's no sense of an artificial commitment to the relationship that happens when people live together unhappily. In LAT relationships it gives each partner the space to organically experience the relationship based on how the relationship is truly going for them.
For someone who's been surrounded by children and grandchildren for years, a LAT arrangement could provide the much-needed alone time to focus on self-care and to do the things that they find most meaningful, and the space to enjoy some things that their partner is not interested in. The LAT relationship only works if both are fully committed to it. If one partner is really into it and the other is just going along with it, things won't end well for either.
The negative side; is the cost of running two homes and the feeling for some LAT couples that a LAT relationship is "neither here nor there." For some partners in LAT relationships, it can be easier to stray and not be accountable to their partner. There's also social pressure from friends and family members who expect the couple to live together, especially if there are children at home.
In LAT relationships it can be too easy to avoid difficult issues that come up. A partner can always just go home if things start getting tense. Over time these unresolved problems could lead to disenchantment and the end of the relationship.
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