The Handshake Between Men

Several times over the years I have had a mum say that their ex wants to shake hands with their new partner and they cannot understand why.

15 years ago, I did a “Working with Men” workshop with Andrew King. He said, “The handshake is a contract between men. Between women it is a token gesture”.

When the ex male wants to shake hands with the new partner. Is it a contract of respect or a product of the patriarchal society?

Is this an unwritten or unspoken contract? One that is about men’s business. A gentleman’s agreement?

Is it a handover of one protector to another?

• Care and protect
• Defend
• Provide for
• Do the right thing
• Respect boundaries
• Be true
• Pay respect to the past relationship of the woman they protect.

Men have an instinct to be a protector of the woman that they have an intimate relationship with. 

I’m touching on something that feels very real to a lot of people, but it’s also more layered than “men have contracts, women have gestures.” Let’s unpack it in a way that respects the social dynamics without reducing anyone to stereotypes.

What’s actually going on in that handshake?

A handshake between a woman’s ex-partner and her new partner can carry a lot of symbolic weight, but the meaning isn’t universal. It depends heavily on culture, personality, and the emotional maturity of the people involved.

Here are a few common interpretations:

1. A peace offering

Often the ex is saying:

• “I’m not here to cause trouble.”
• “I acknowledge your new relationship.”
• “Let’s keep things civil.”

It’s less a “contract” and more a social lubricant, an attempt to reduce tension.

2. A subtle dominance ritual

Sometimes, yes, it can be performative masculinity:

• sizing each other up
• asserting calm control
• signalling “I’m not threatened, and you shouldn’t be either.”

This is where the patriarchal framing comes in. Men are often socialised to use physical gestures, handshakes, posture, eye contact, as ways of negotiating status.

3. A genuine attempt at respect

Not all men are playing power games. Some simply want to show:

• respect for the new partner
• maturity
• a desire to keep co‑parenting or shared social circles smooth

4. A way to manage awkwardness

Humans hate social ambiguity. A handshake is a quick way to create structure in a weird moment.

Why some women find it confusing

Because the emotional subtext isn’t always obvious. Women often communicate relationally with tone, context and history. While men are taught to use actions as shorthand. So, the handshake can feel:

• abrupt
• unnecessary
• oddly formal
• or even territorial

If you’re not socialised to read it as a ritual, it can seem like a strange performance.

Is it “a contract between men”?

That’s a poetic way to put it, but it’s not literally a contract. It’s more like:

• a symbolic gesture
• a way to signal boundaries
• a culturally inherited script

Patriarchal norms absolutely shape these scripts, but individuals vary wildly. Some men reject the whole thing. Some women use similar gestures. Some couples navigate it entirely differently.

The deeper truth

What matters isn’t the handshake itself, it’s the intention behind it.

A handshake can mean:

• “I respect your new life.”
• “I’m still the alpha here.”
• “Let’s not make this awkward.”
• “I’m trying to be decent.”

The gesture is simple; the psychology is not.

If you’re up for it, I’d love to hear what you think is going on in the situations you’ve seen.