In the book Therapeutic Family Mediation (2002) by Howard H. Irving and Michael Benjamin has a very interesting chapter on property and financial mediation and describes five patterns of conflict. When Mieke Brandon and Linda Fisher updated Mediating with Families 4th edition (2018) they included Irving’s five patterns of conflict in property settlements (p210).
Property and financial mediation following separation often reveals five distinct patterns of conflict that reflect deeper relational issues rather than just disputes over assets.
As a mediator it can be very useful to understand these Five Patterns of Conflict in Property Settlement mediations.
Those five conflict patterns are:
1. Money as Power
In this pattern, conflict is centred on control and entitlement, typically in traditional family structures where one was the sole breadwinner and controller of finances.
Conflict Style: The controlling spouse is often contemptuous and offended by the notion of "joint property pool," believing the money belongs solely to them. The other spouse may feel overwhelmed, powerless, or unknowledgeable about the family's financial situation.
2. Money as Painkiller/Revenge
This pattern emerges in high-conflict separations triggered by betrayal, such as infidelity or an abrupt end to the relationship.
Conflict Style: Money is used as a weapon to cause pain or exact revenge. The "injured" party may make extreme, irrational financial claims or destroy assets out of anger and deep emotional pain.
3. Money as Compensation
Common in long‑term relationships that end due to accumulated disappointment, this pattern frames the financial settlement as compensation for what they perceives as a “poor bargain” in the relationship.
Conflict Style: Both partners feel the other owes them for their contributions (e.g., child-rearing vs. providing). This results in "petty disputes" and continuous, unproductive bickering over small details, as they lack closure.
4. Money as Security
This pattern frequently occurs with couples where both work but one has taken primary responsibility for childcare and earns less, leading to financial dependence.
Conflict Style: Negotiation driven by fear and anxiety about the future, particularly for one party facing a decline in their standard of living or precarious retirement. Spouses often talk past each other: one focused on facts, the other on hurt and insecurity.
5. Money as Closure
This pattern is characterised by "need for closure" rather than active fighting, often occurring when both partners are emotionally exhausted and just want to end the process and move forward.
Conflict Style: Low energy, with potential conflict occurring only over items of sentimental value. The primary, unstated need is emotional support to navigate the finality of the separation.
Brandon and Fisher emphasise that “family mediation of financial issues is as much concerned about relational dynamics as it is about money per se.” They also note:
“Mediators with a mental health background are often very reluctant to undertake family mediation involving financial matters. In large part, this reflects their professional socialization in which money is typically seen as a taboo topic. They therefore respond with apprehension and withdrawal to the technical complexities of this form of family mediation. Such fears are mostly based on misinformation.”
Property mediation may not appear as emotionally charged as parenting mediation, where issues cut to the core of a parent’s identity as a mum or dad. However, property mediation is often driven more by underlying emotions of the separation than by the practical question of who gets which assets.
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